A Kansas Weddin’

I recently attended a wedding in my home state.  I’ve never been much of a wedding person. I have a lot against weddings, I think they are a waste of time and money and the product of companies who try and sell you “an experience.”

Once we arrived at the reception one thing was clear: it was up to me to save the party.  The picture below is of the cake (I’m not kidding).  The antlers were rice-crispy treats and the head/neck was red velvet.

There was no bar, but there was a lot of free alcohol.  It would take a person with overwhelming charisma and charm to anoint themselves as the bartender in a room full of strangers.  What other choice did I have?  I became “the bartender.”

I began opening bottle of Sparking white-wine and offering a glass to anyone in speaking distance.

The problem with being a bar tender (in my experience) is that you have unlimited access to alcohol.  I opened four magnums but am not sure how much was served to the general public and how much ended up in my own glass.

Eventually the groom came by and I told him, “I’ve heard that some people can shoot corks across a room.  I don’t think it is possible with these bottles, but I……”  I didn’t get a chance to finish the sentence before the groom grabbed the bottle out of my hands and shot a cork a good 50 feet.  My job here was done.

 

 

Late Night at the Reference Desk

I got the following questions at the reference desk tonight.

6:15,

Patron: “Yes is the DVD Trekkies available”

Librarian: “Yes, it is checked in”

Patron: “What does ‘checked-in’ mean?”

Librarian: “It means that you can check it out, i.e. that we have it here now”

8:01,

Patron: “Do you have any sex manuals?”

Librarian: “?”

Patron: “Like a book of how to actually have sex.”

8:45,

Patron: “your three hole punch only has two holes.”

I’m not making this up

The following is  a reference question I got today at the reference desk at the public library I work at.  Please note that this sentence was said without a pause.

“Hi, I’m wondering if 1st Avenue’s name is changing permanently or just for one day are you 6 foot 4? I was born in 1946.”

The first part of the question is in reference to a “great person” who coached a local football team and, coincidentally, there is a festival for him and the local government decided to “co-name” a road after him.  The second part is just part of the “crazy” that is the public library.

The Day the Internet Died

I work in a beautiful public library.  We have well over 60,000 books and an additional 30,000 magazines/CDs/DVDs.  We also have 24 public access computers.  This morning the Internet wasn’t working and you would have thought that the world was ending.

“Why isn’t there Internet?”

“When will it be back up?”

These are the only two questions I’m being asked at the reference desk.  Not being able to update Facebook or check one’s email account has a devastating affect on people. One exchange in particular made me smile.

Patron: “No Internet?”

Librarian: “That’s correct”

Patron: ” So what does No Internet mean?”

Librarian: “It means that the Internet is not working.”

Patron: “So I can’t check my yahoo! account?”

Librarian: “That is correct”

Patron: “Why”

Librarian: “Because God hates us” [yes I really said that and yes I know I shouldn't have]

Patron: “Well what can you do on the computer if the Internet isn’t working?”

Librarian: “You can write your memoirs”

Patron: “Well is the Internet working at the other library?”

In addition to interchanges like this I am being repeatedly asked, “what happened?”  Even if I knew what had happened to the Internet it is extremely unlikely that any of these patrons would be able to understand what it meant.  So, instead of engaging in endless chit-chat, I’ve taken to making up these reasons for why the Internet isn’t working.

“The gigaquads in the distribution center went offline causing an overflow of the usanets.”

“There was a powerflux in the main grid, it will take a while to replace the conductors.”

“The ipswitch connector to the downtown relays suffered an infarction.”

Finally

Sorry for the reflection.  I came across this image while visiting a McDonalds last week.  Generally, I don’t eat at McDonalds, but there is something about the sausage egg biscuit during a road trip that speaks to me.  As for the WiFi.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been enjoying a hash-brown and thought, “I should really be on the Internet right now.”

WiFi first showed up in coffee houses where I, along with other douche-bags using laptops, could connect to the Internet and look like I was really working on something that required me to use the free WiFi.  For the record I don’t think I have ever done anything productive while using the Internet in a “WiFi” zone.  The only thing productive I have ever done on my laptop while in a coffee house was to write a paper for some class that was only going to get done because I was drinking endless amounts of coffee.

Anyway, who the f*** needs to be on the Internet while at McDonalds?  I liken this to those supermarkets that slowly started to sell things that have nothing to do with traditional supermarket shopping: like when you started to see flat screen televisions for sale two aisle’s over from the produce.

But why does McDonalds have WiFi?  This really bothers me.

Click here to find your closest McDonalds with WiFi.

Crazy People in the Library

A conversation I had this morning:

Patron: “I need your help”

Librarian: “sure, how can I help you?”

Patron: “That girl over there is messing with my computer.”

There is no girl anywhere

Librarian: “hmm, ok well it seems to be okay.”

Patron: “They are watching me”

Librarian: “Who?”

Patron: “They.  The Hell’s Angels”

Librarian: “I just work here”

Patron: “Its the Hell’s Angels and Aryan Brotherhood.  They are after me because I adopted a child twenty years ago.”

Librarian: “Ok”

Patron: “Just foreget it”

Real Housewives of New Jersey

I’m cat-sitting for a friend of mine who has cable.  Needless to say I’m amused.  I finally got to see an episode of the The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  As best I can tell, this show is an example of what happens when the Wal-Mart crowd wins the lottery.  I assume this is where the criticism of “new money” comes in.  I’ve never had money, old or new. These people are white-trash with lots of money.

Boobs are frequently a topic of discussion on this show.  One of the women has a 12 year old daughter who is starting to grow boobs: this qualifies as a topic of discussion on the show.  One of the other women just got a boob-job, which then becomes a topic of discussion at a dinner-party.  The woman talks about how sore she is from all the sex that her husband now wants to have with her….because of her new boobs.

Who watches this?  Yes, for 40 minutes I watched this, but apparently there are multiple seasons of this show.  I enjoy a good bit of schadenfreude, but this is beyond that.  This is pure and utter crap.

Why I love working in a Public Library III

The public library I work in was closed for the Fourth of July Weekend (July 3- July 5).  The following is a conversation I had with a patron this past week.

Patron: “Why were you closed on Sunday?”

Me: “Because it was the 4th of July holiday weekend”

Patron: “Well you had Saturday off, that was enough, you didn’t need Sunday off.”

Me: “Ok, sorry about that.  Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Patron: “Yes, there are too many cars in the parking lot.  I had to park really far away.”

Me: “Oh, sorry about that.”  From our front door the furthest parking space is about 150 feet.

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Sometimes, at the reference desk, librarians hear the best one-liners.

Patron: “I left my library card in my other pants, can I get a guess pass today for the computers?”

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And sometimes, at the circulation desk, we get the best phone calls.  A woman called this afternoon wanting me to look for her coat, which she had left in the library.  I obliged and looked for it, but to no avail.  She left her number  and name (lets call her Brenda) and asked me to call if I found it.  Thirty minutes later the phone rang again..

Brenda: “Yes this is Brenda, I lost my coat in the library”

Me: “yes, we talked earlier.  I still haven’t found it.”

Brenda: “Well where is my coat?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Brenda: “Why not?”

Me: “I checked the library but couldn’t find it, I will certainly call you if it turns up.”

Thirty minutes later one of my co-workers answered the phone and I could only hear one side of the conversation.

Librarian, “Ok, so you lost your coat?  Let me go see if I can find it”

One case for Eugenics

I have nothing against fat people.  I myself am an occasional fattie (but never a fatty).  I do, however, have something against fat people whose fatness affects the lives of others.  In this instance we see a super-fatty that has put a leash on a child.  Perhaps if Two-Tons-of-fun took the leash off the child and had to actually watch/chase her, then maybe he wouldn’t have to be shopping in the super-fatty department.  Also, the tattoo on the left leg of this person is a double insult.  I dislike tattoos, that is unless you are a soldier/sailor/real biker/former inmate/prostitute: those are the categories of people that should have tattoos.  That being said, I find nothing authentic with this person that would constitute him having a tattoo.

A note on my dislike of fat people.  I don’t like fatness.  I struggle with my own fatness and realize that fatness is a choice, not a condition.  However, if people are fat due to glandular conditions I have nothing against them.

Why I love working in a public library II

It has been an eventful week so far at the public library.  Here are just a few of the fun things that make me laugh.

1. Yesterday I was working at the circulation desk and calling patrons who had requested books when I had this particularly funny/disturbing experience.

Me, “Hello, this is the Public Library calling for Ms. Smith”

Smith, “Yes, this is she”

Me, “We have Thong on Fire ready for you to pick up at the circulation desk.”

All of this took place while my co-worker was laughing in the background at the words “thong on fire.”  Apparently it is series of books told from an urban-erotic perspective.

2. Our library has an honor system of paying for pages you print.  Rarely do people actually pay.  The other day a woman came up to pay for $0.40 in printing.  I took her change and rang it up in the cash register.

Me, “Thank you.”

Her, “Don’t I get a receipt for that?”

Me, “For $0.40?”

Her, “Yes.”

3. On Saturday I met my fellow man-brarians for an early breakfast of french-toast cooked in our break room.  It was a fantastic start to a wonderful day.